loose lips, sink ships

Through these eyes..

I’m an idiot. A stupid. Just so useless. Haven’t I learn my lesson? Punish me for being so stupid… wait, no, don’t punish me. I can’t handle any punishment now. My life is beyond extra perfect with sweet toppings and cherries and strawberries on the side. or how I wish it would be… my life will never be that perfect. I always thought I’ve found my happy ending, but it turns out it’s just another chapter in my oh-so-dramatic fairy tale. Life’s never a fairy tale, I know that. Life with a happy ending? Much much to ask for. I really really really wish I could live without any regret, and sort of remorse and just go with the flow and embrace everything that I have. But to me, it seems like the hardest thing to do, even though I’ve played pretend with it and act as if everything’s fine when actually it’s not. It never was. I could be happy, could be jolly and content but I pushed it all away because I tend to think too much. Yes, my brain — just couldn’t stop thinking and rewind and think and rewind and pause at any horrible moment I just wish I could erase. I’m pretty much screwed up to the last bit right now, surrounded with regret that I WISH I COULD JUST THROW AWAY. but it’s hard. too hard. I’m trying my best to be the greatest person I could ever be, make my parents proud, make people envy with the success that I gained and share with those who I love and cherish dearly.. but all hopes will drown away given the circumstances that I’m in now. I’m not perfect, though. Not perfect in every, any single way. I’m flawed, if you see me even with your naked eye. I’m always ashamed of myself. I’ve never trusted myself, let alone in love with myself. I’m never vain. I love myself when I accomplish something. something great and worth holding on to. something that I could show, could be my trophy to show that — yes, I’ve accomplished something in life, in YOUR FACE! I know it sounds wrong, but that’s just me. I can’t help myself from being selfish, ignorant and just.. plain jackhole.

Even though I have someone so perfect, so beyond perfect with me, to share my life with, to share every waking moment I have with, to share all the good times with… I still feel distraught. and I couldn’t think straight at times. I’m a good girl, I repeat to myself over and over again, a good girl, I came from a family with good names and rep, and why shouldn’t I be whatever they were and are now? I live in a world full of sin, and nobody even gives a damn. But I do! I do gives a rat’s ass about it. About making the smallest sin, about defying God’s orders. about being an asshole and making a fool of myself. I feel like I’m naked in front of a whole big crowd, and they’re laughing at me, just so crazily laughing at ME. I tried to laugh along, only to realize I’m just laughing at myself.

Again, my world is never perfect, no matter what. It’ll never be.

Above and Below

Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground
I’ll live down there without a sound
And never hear
These hissing voices all the same
I’ll disappear
Causing living makes me feel ashamed

Ooowwww
Ooowwww

I must believe
There’s more above us and below
I must believe
Stranded with this bitch called hope
It keeps me here
When all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here
When all I wanna do is disappear

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I’ll leave today
Cause there’s nothing left to keep me here
I’ll fade away
I’ll turn my back and disappear

The city moves
Lunges up right from the ground
The seething Earth
It opens up and spits us out
This vicious child
Nature never wanted us
This vicious child
A cancer burning black into it’s heart

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I’ll leave today
Cause there’s nothing left to keep me here
I’ll fade away
I’ll turn my back and disappear

Ooowwww
Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground
I’ll live down there without a sound
And never hear
These hissing voices all the same
I’ll disappear
Causing living makes me feel ashamed

If this is it
When all we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I’ll leave today
Cause there’s nothing left to keep me here
I’ll fade away
I’ll turn my back and disappear
I’ll turn my back and disappear

bold the negative (or possibly negative) personality traits you have

1.loud
2.bossy
3.needy
4.dependent
5.independent
6.selfish
7.conceited
8.nosy
9.mean
10.sensitive
11.cruel
12.liar
13.thief
14.addict
15.shy
16.weird
17.awkward
18.quitter
19.smoker
20.criminal
21.dropout
22.high maintenance
23.boring
24.nerd
25.creep
26.wimp
27.slow learner
28.careless
29.impatient
30.apathetic
31.conservative
32.liberal
33.intimidating
34.radical
35.lethargic
36.cautious
37.tense
38.hesitant
39.serious
40.curious
41.quiet
42.lazy
43.reserved
44.bitchy
45.whore
46.naive
47.ignorant
48.stupid
49.alcoholic
50.insecure
51.bad listener
52.opinionated
53.button - pusher
54.wuss
55.anal
56.frugal
58.teenager
59.worrier
60.depressed
61.mentally ill
62.closed minded
63.secretive
64.aggressive
65.tough
66.dull
67.trusting
68.untrusting
69.antisocial
70.clumsy
71.pessimist
72.vain
73.introvert
74.extrovert
75.competitive

we should get jerseys, cause we'd make a good team.

I’M CRAZY. period. fullstop. oh wait, don’t stop yet. I’m crazy over my baby. today was lovely! I couldn’t stop thinking about you, baby. :) right now we’re in the midst of declaring our love to one another. Haha! it’s not like we did not say how much we’re in love with each other every single day :)

I hope everything will still stay the same once I’m in college.